“Nonononononooo! It’s not fair!” I whined inside, my shoulders slumped forward, my spine collapsed, a cry welling up in my chest. I felt small.
We had just done the right thing, the responsible thing. The house with the finished basement and the backyard in the good school district was just outside our preferred price range. We could’ve said, “yes,” agreed to spend more on a mortgage, we know there will be more room in the budget one day when daycare ends and public school begins. But instead, we did the right thing for our family right now.
This is when the temper tantrum erupted; up from the depths of my being it came. From the depths of my being I have worried about not having enough, felt that I didn’t have enough, felt ashamed and desperate about that, and wondered if I was even good enough to have enough. None of that is true, mind you, and it never was. There has always been enough. I’ve always been good enough. It just hasn’t felt that way.
This “responsible no” triggered a very old story, a family myth of not-enough-ness that has kept me separate from others and from myself, that has kept me from experiencing the abundance of my own life.
Though I know with my mind that that old story isn’t true, my body told me a different story in that moment. And so I allowed the collapse to happen, the hopelessness to be felt, the images of the precious house I will never own to flood my vision. I said the words of the collapse out loud: “It’s not fair, I really want that house, we’re never going to make it and it’s all my fault.” And saying these ridiculous words out loud accomplished two things:
1) The old shame, hopelessness, and desperation had enough room to be felt and to dissipate.
2) I realized how little actual power this old myth had in my life. It could bring up feelings, but it couldn’t blindly drive my behavior.
Even as I whined, I knew: I have enough, I can choose, I have abundance within me, my goodness has nothing to do with this, I am good…enough.
In conclusion, we are not moving to the new house with the yard, and that is good…enough.